Take Me Out or Shoot Me Now!!!

I mentioned in a previous blog that for the last 2 yrs I have been without a tv…. shock horror. I have managed to survive much to others utter disbelief. What do I do? I can hear their minds wonder!!! When they gasp and say, ‘but what do you do in the evenings?’ I simply smile a smug look of superiority and bathe in my intellectual air and say, ‘I read, mainly.’

I am not normally smug or superior, but I do feel kinda cool simply stating that I am a human and yes that is right I don’t solely really on my entertainment needs through tv. I like to think people look at me with an air of mystery! I am sure they are thinking that I sit in my flat reading Shakespeare and contemplating Keats, maybe they imagine me sitting reading Stephen Hawkins, contemplating the meaning of life.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmp………… Not quite

There is no need to tell them that I’m actually in my flat watching back to back episodes of Glee and the most Highbrow book I own is the dusty one in my attic, that my teacher made me read for my GCSEs. I shan’t confess what I am really doing is the surfing the net, updating my Asos wish list and buffering the next episode of Top Model,  that would make me sound far to normal.

I have been staying at my friend’s house recently, I am off travelling for a while so at the moment friends are kindly letting me sofa surf. I have been introduced to the world of Sky tv, channels and channels of crap… oh geez Louise it’s great!!! Come Dine with Me, Wanted Down Under, The X Factor! It so mind-boggling to choose what to watch, then my friend told me about the planner thing, you can record, pause, fast forward, it’s a miracle! Apart from The X Factor, don’t judge me, just look at me smugly and say, I don’t watch that! and I shall imagine you engaging in intelligent economical conversation over a 3 course meal with your bookish friends. I like to also watch Take Me Out. Top class  Saturday night tv I hear you say.

Well unlike Deal or No Deal which makes me wish Mr Blobby sat on Noel Edmonds when he had the chance. Take Me Out doesn’t purely make me want to switch off, I am in trouble, I love and I hate it, all at once, just like Marmite (I hate Marmite you see but I love twiglets, I didn’t say my life was easy!). Take Me Out is a bit like Cheesecake, I really Love it, but what it is made of – arghhhhhhhhhhhh! visions of hours on the treadmill and that fat dude on the biggest loser, sweating, it makes me think reasonably, ‘no Stephanie you don’t need to eat the whole thing, one slice is enough.’ Smile at oneself smugly for not being a massive fat pig! then your inner child stamps it’s feet and demands to eat the whole thing. My inner child mainly always wins, so there I am on Saturday nights, my cheesecake on my lap and Take Me Out on the TV.

Now my main problem with Take Me Out is the women, sorry women…… I just cannot work out who wants to go on tv every week, letting the world know they are single and putting the fate of love in the hands of Paddy Mcguinness and a date in Fernando’s, although they go on holiday now, slight upgrade I must admit.

Where are the dignified days of Blind date (mourn). America has the ‘Bachelor’ (although i have my own issues with that but that’s for another day), compared to our shoddy version with that twat from Made in Chelsea and Dating in The Dark. Cilla Black, times have changed 😦

So here peeps, my problems with Take Me Out-

– The women come across a tad desperate, especially the ones who have been there for weeks and leave their light on no matter what, he could have confessed to eating his toenails and she is not bothered, she just wants to get to Fernandos! he could be a pointy toed, cross-eyed pervert but she’s fed up of being there!!

– Some of the age gaps on the dates are ridiculous, love has no boundaries I know, but there are Laws!

– The VT section makes any normal person look like an utter Twat

– Some of the excuses for turning off the lights are just stupid!!  Can’t someone just be honest and instead of saying, oh that shirt you’re wearing is the wrong shade of pink, just say……….. Paddy I turned of my light because I JUST DON’T FANCY HIM.

– I do hate it when people turn off their lights after they found out about the person’s job. Come on girls, don’t make us seem shallow and superficial, unless he admits to eating little children and knocking over old grannies best to wait to turn off your light a little later.

– I also really hate it when the bloke is made to do a talent, we might as well be all shouting, ‘Dance Monkey Dance!!’

– Most of all I hate the cheesy chat up lines. On this show no one is safe, run for cover people, the women have cheesy lines all prepared and the bloke has them all up his sleeve too. Throwing them out there like a man throwing sweets at a fat persons convention, and they are being all gobbled up!! Surely one of them will throw up, I know i just did, all over my TV! and poor Paddy didn’t deserve that!!

So there phew rant over!!!!!! But despite these many reasons, I still watch it, I love it on some level, it’s like when I find receipts for a kebab after a night out, I am ashamed but at the shame time I can’t help myself!!!


Are you a grown up?

It appears I have come to the point in my life when I can no longer wistfully look into the endless tunnel of youth – e.g. the future and say ‘when I grow up’. It appears even at my youthful age of 26 I have reached the point where it just looks a bit lazy  to have not already at least made headway on my ambitions. It appears to me more than ever the world classes me as a fully fledged grown up, when did that happen? Why god why! Am I to leave behind my childhood, adolescence even my early twenties and move forward to be this mature adult society is expecting. Am I really prepared to be a grown up? Does growing up mean I have to grow up?

. . . cough . . . splutter . . . REALLY?

Currently I am playing diner dash on my pc and making to do lists and updating my twitter feed to let everyone know that the cheese sandwich I ate earlier was particularly tasty! Everyone needs to know that vital information, in my world it’s important! Even now as I glance at my Facebook thread it appears yes, it’s true,  people are actually growing up, I’m not sure I like it!!!!

So growing up, what does growing up mean? Who defines what makes a grown up? Just the little two words ‘grown-up’ make me  feel the need to start wearing midi length skirts, that look somewhat like my nans wallpaper and start making trips to the hairdresser to make my barnet more ‘manageable. Don’t grown up people buy bleach and contemplate color themes to decorate the many rooms of their house they have so wisely invested in. Not like me who contemplates between the latest pair of Kurt Geiger shoes, while telling myself it’s totally rational to forfeit eating next week as they look totally fab on my feet. Bleach is probably cheaper I hear you say, mutlipurpose, how very grown up of you!

The thing I have noticed most recently, making me contemplate the whole being a grown up is that on my Facebook feed there appears to be frequent announcements about engagements, wedding nuptials and baby births, baby birthdays, first smiles, first crawl and first farts and all caught on camera. Really my Facebook feed feels like the local newspaper announcements section! All these milestones in life that people are happily reaching is making me wonder, am I 26 and not grown up enough? Am I lagging behind? I have a steady boyfriend, 4 yrs steady, pat on the back. I don’t live with him and we’re not engaged and there is defo no baby, are people going to fast or am I going too slow?

So question 1, there might not be another question, but lets answer my first anyway; Whats the rush!?!

What’s is the rush everyone seems to be in? If I see another child smiling on my Facebook I may have to disown you as my friend, isn’t looking at kids online illegal anyway. Just a thought, I almost feel wrong looking, it’s like being near a playground when you don’t have a child and trying not to look like you’re a pedophile when everyone clearly thinks you are!

I’m still 26, the right side of 30.. phew

I was watching ‘Don’t tell the Bride’ the other day, I haven’t had a tv in 2 yrs and living with my friend for 3 weeks I think I gorged on enough reality tv to make my eyes rot! Keeping up with the Kardashians was a close second, good times! Anyway this couple on the show had met, moved in together, got engaged, planned a wedding, had to cancel that one due to family issues and then came on the show to re-plan another wedding to live happily ever after . . .  they had been together just over a year and lived together 3 months! not judging, I have my non judgemental face on. All I am saying is a year is fast-moving to meet, move in and get engaged, sometimes it takes me longer to get out of the bed in the morning!!! I know people look sappy eyed at each other, hands clasped and say, ‘well you know when you know’ but really? maybe it’s fair enough but really as u dreamily look at each other across your pasta carbonara, choosing your first wedding song and the frosting on your cake (no fruit cake please)  do u really think you may feel the same after months of sniffing his pants to assess whether their ready for the laundry, do  u really feel your feel quite the same level of devotion?

On a more serious and grown-up note, in a society where divorce rates are on the rise, is it not time for people to chill out, get to know other, not just wink wink, bobs your uncle, wham bam thank you mam . . .

I know you’re probably thinking well if we go at your rate we’ll nearly be middle-aged by the time we move in, tie the knot and get knocked up! But I can honestly say waiting to live with my bf is the best thing, honest. We’ve been together 4 yrs and we have the rest of our lives together, we don’t need to rush, we still have that excited feeling of next seeing each other and really appreciate the time spent together and I know when I live with him I’ll appreciate it even more, and even if have to sniff his pants (which I won’t) there will be a million other reasons why I still want to be with him. I won’t have spent 6 months dating him, then move in together and tie our lives completely together then realize he is a lazy sloth, who pees on the toilet seat and can only manage to boil an egg who I want to punch in the face.

Everyone is different, that’s what makes the world go round, but just because you feel life is telling you you’re a grown up now, time to grow up doesn’t mean you have to listen to life. Who is life anyway? What right does life have to tell you what to do? Life is yours for the taking, Life is your BITCH, so make of it what you will. So once I have had my fill of cocktails, hangovers, Caribbean holidays and self-indulgent fun, when I start to contemplate baby’s scans with admiration instead of fear , and nappy buying doesn’t seem like stepping into a minefield maybe then, just maybe then I’ll welcome that phase of my life with open arms!

But I definitely won’t feel like a grown up! I am sure ice caps will melt before I do!

Can I hear you say ‘Ditto’