Breaking up, Breaking down, Breaking Balls.


When life throws you an oddball your meant to pick it up and throw it back, but what happens when it throws you an oddball that’s so out of sorts you end up taking a stumble right back to the start. I may be being vague here for you, but my point is: What happens when life changes as you know it? When everything you know becomes something different. How do you deal with life changing as you know it? When the life you wade through shifts plains and you end up somewhere unexpected, on a different plain somewhere further away and there’s no chance of getting back. Your stuck somewhere different, somewhere where the roads are murky and the fog makes it hard for you to see, somewhere where your decisions are more clouded than you hoped or cared for them to be. Your future becomes a puzzle your quite unsure how to put back together, but you must start somewhere, what other choice do you have?

Breaking up from a partner is something I have never done before, walking away is something people classify as brave, but is it brave really? Brave is walking in the line of fire everyday, fighting in wars, working the beaten streets that people don’t dare to walk without their thumb firmly pressed on 999. Can you class brave walking away from a man you love to hope for a better future? Or is that a selfish and self-wanting act that deserves nothing but a side ward glance of ‘you should of tried harder’. But how hard in life is trying too hard? When is trying too much? Should you work on your relationship until the very essence of who you once were is gone or should you walk away? Should you give up self-respect and dignity if you really love someone or if someone loves you should they walk away before they make you do that? Now I am very much pondering the worlds woes here, not saying I broke up from my partner for these reasons; one will keep them secret as it would be unfair to share them with the world. When you break up with someone thoughts come in abundance, of what you could have done, who you could have been to make it work, and what in the future is acceptable when one-day you decide to throw yourself back in the dating game, which won’t be for while, I am considering nunnery options, least they have permanent housing, food and water!

Is it easier in life to be dumped then to be the  dumper? I pose this to you. Being dumped you cannot do anything about it, it’s over there’s no two ways about it; you have no say over it, no lingering questions of whether your making the worst decision of your life as that decision was made by the dumper. The dumper has a minefield to tiptoe through; should I, shouldn’t I? Is this the right decision? Is it not? Is love enough? Am I am irrational fool that’s making extreme decisions that I will only regret when the dumped moves on? The dumper may seem callous, like they have no feelings, like it’s an easy choice when in reality its a decision that over take’s every waking hour and every waking thought, it immobilize’s you until you make a choice which is yay or nah!. When you’ve been dumped you have to come to terms with the fact it didn’t work, you wade through your own self-doubt, insecurities and then slowly learn that maybe it wasn’t meant to be and your find that someone who fits you the way it’s meant to be. You may be left scarred but then who isn’t left scarred, who doesn’t have emotional wounds that are hiding beneath the ever so seemingly normal surface.

Breaking up means growing balls, you need to man up to shape up and ship out. But in life it’s better to love and lost to never have loved at all. The aftermath may be hard, the sadness comes in waves, the self-doubt of whether you made the right decision, the answer only comes with time. Maybe you have made the wrong choice, that’s something I’ll have to live with it once I’ve had the space to access who I am and what I want. That’s the problem with being the dumper, when you decide what’s real, what’s right, it might be too late, that’s a hard pill to swallow, but in life one must make bold decisions or forever live in self-doubt, wondering if really that this is it. Sometimes in life you get lost in the mundane, lost within the shadows of another and sometimes you need to be brave to reclaim your own shadow and become again who you started out as. Losing yourself within your loved one is an easy thing to do, you become so intertwined it’s hard to tell where you start and they end, you forget what is it that you once expected from life. Being my own person is something I demand to be and somewhere along the way I got a little lost, that’s my own doing. In life we all need to know ourselves better to really know what we want to then embrace life as we only live once and that once I  need to be more than what is now.

So right or wrong sometimes you need to break balls, break down to break through.


What’s Your Drug Of Choice?


Drugs, Drink, Smoking and rock and roll, well minus the drugs, drinking and smoking is all very much legal. I judge no man and his business; I’m pretty liberal as the coach man told me once I voiced my views on abortion, but when people who partake in infecting their bodies with numerous other toxins that are more addictive than drugs can they then take a moral high ground. Now I don’t believe drugs should be legal and I have seen the destruction it can cause to one man and his family, but while smoking is legal and drinking to the point you find yourself face down in a gutter trying to remember your name is acceptable I fully believe that people who partake in sniffing the snowy white stuff up their noses and getting high and eating the contents of their fridge from smoking weed are on the same leveling playing filed as smokers and excessive drinkers; it’s all drugs, you’re just choosing your drug of choice and yours happens to be legal. You may be sitting there thinking oh hang on a darn minute young woman (I like to refer to myself like that still) but drugs are the cess pit of society; I retort back to you: did you know the smoking is 6 more times addictive than cocaine and gives you the euphoric feelings those similar to cocaine? Now in what type of world does a substance that is more addictive than cocaine make its way to the market and into the mouths of a nation? How does the government justify this? The government have units of police forces dedicated to eradicating drugs, but where’s the urge to eradicate the one thing that causes 138 deaths a day! Smoking is a killer whether you like it or not, it may not kill you early but smoking will eventually in some way sneak up on you and before you know it you’re be wailing that you should have given the fags up sooner. No-one in life thinks they will end up a statistic, still it happens; we all sit back thinking ‘it’ll never happen to me’ until it does and then like the rest before you, you look back in regret and in part it’s not your fault entirely. The fault lies not only at your door for not giving up smoking but at the doors of the smoking companies that peddle out fags and on the government for not banning a substance that has proven to be more addictive than cocaine. You may be sitting there thinking I’m talking out of my comfortable sat hiney but research has proven that smoking is a subset of compulsive behavior in which the controlling factor, nicotine, profoundly affects the smoker’s central nervous system, producing pleasurable effects, dependency and, when it is taken away, withdrawal. Nicotine is the thing that makes smoking so addictive, that’s your drug of choice. LIKE HEROIN, NICOTINE IS AN alkaloid found in plants. The alkaloid kills insects by disrupting their neurotransmitters, substances released by the bug’s activated nerve cells & it happens that humans have the same neurotransmitters. What is toxic to the insect, however, is pleasurable to the human when taken in the tiny amounts found in cigarettes

Alkaloids exert their effects by binding to receptors in the brain and other nerve tissue. Heroin attaches to the brain’s natural pain killing receptors. Nicotine affects a major neurotransmitter system that is involved in the very conduction of nerve signals, memory and other critical functions. It also binds to white blood cells and is carried to most tissues throughout the body.

So there’s my bit of expert knowledge stolen from The New York Times.

So as you light up another fag and get your HIT of nicotine remember the effects are felt more rapidly than those of drugs taken intravenously. One-quarter of the nicotine in each drag reaches the brain in seven seconds. The nicotine concentration in the blood peaks at about the time that the cigarette butt is extinguished. The effects then fall off rapidly as nicotine is cleared by the liver and excreted in urine. Within a half hour, many smokers seek a new dose of nicotine. A pack-a-day smoker takes 70,000 drug ”hits” a year.

So when you give up smoking you’re basically on the same playing level as a drug addict. In reality every smoker should resign themselves to the fact that they are in fact a drug addict and when is that a good thing? Never that’s when. So before you light up another cigarette or condescend drug taking why don’t you consider the facts and get off your moral high ground you’re clearly violating and accept smoking is whack just like cocaine is whack; Give it up. Be cool and live that much longer by weaning yourself off the fags, you only have one life and by smoking you’re literally smoking it away.