Love – A note of Love

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Life and love come hand in hand, the path of course to find love is a tricky one, it is fraught with notions, ideas, emotions, tempers, ideals, dreams, needs, wants, fragility and so much more, the path travelled is worn, never a dusty road on the journey that we travel call love. Love comes to many people at different stages in ones life, sometimes it creeps up on us, sometimes it happens all at once, sometimes we fall in love to fall out of love, some loves are transient and some seem like they were meant to last, some loves are young loves, and some loves aren’t loves at all, some loves are but building blocks or pieces to a puzzle, because one day after trails and tribulations, we will see and say, ‘now that is love and I want that love,’ But first my friend it must be found.

Like a needle in a haystack true love is hard to find, I’m not talking handsome men on white horses and love at first sight, I mean the love that comes in finding that person, they might have flaws aplenty, but they understand and they laugh with you, they don’t care that you don’t look your best always and that you are not your best person all the time, they appreciate you and they have fun with you, true love isn’t between the sheets but between the minds, it’s between the glances of looking in each other’s souls and loving each other anyway.

Love Is

I wrote this for my friends wedding and thought I would share with you ….

Love is hard to define,
Like religion and God it’s something we can’t determine.
I can’t touch it to tell you it is there,
I can’t hear it to tell you it is there,
I can’t smell it to say yes it is there,
I can’t see love, it’s not a thing we can all observe through one eye.
It’s not a object or a tangible item to view; love is not atoms or molecules to quantify.

Love is not words to digest and rearrange, love is not for our hands to feel and mould to a clay,
But here today we gather to celebrate love, to watch love unite, watch love make smiles on faces and tears in eyes. Today love has a future in the hands of two, love is being promised and vowed.

No one disagrees love is not here but how?

Love is a stranger in the street,
Sometimes he makes an appearance out of nowhere, takes your hand and says, you were never alone, I was always here, you just weren’t looking, but now you see me and I see you.
From that moment it’s hard to turn away, I’m sure your moment was special and this day will be as special, even more than the day you realised you found your soulmate.

Love is a bond and a energy that words can never describe by the best scholar or academic,
It makes us silly and irrational,
It makes us very high and sometimes very low,
It makes us think that the greatest things are yet to come

Love is there for you through the good and the bad
Love loves you even when you can’t love yourself
Love tells you you are special
Love tells you that insecurities are a waste of time, love says I’m your best friend It’s says relax now, laugh with me, cry with me, joke with me, play with me, Love says be yourself and I’ll be here, Never look behind, trust me I won’t leave, I’m yours forever

So love is a more than a feeling, the word love alone doesn’t even begin to describe the depth that it’s felt.

So who cares it can’t be measured …… Because we measure it with the breaths it takes away,
We measure it with the moments that are frozen in time
And we measure it with the footprints on our soul.

So, here today u pledge together, although romance will vary through the thoroughfare and experiences will come high and low, despite the rocky hills that the road sure has for us, that we shall walk them together, never leaving the other behind, holding hands till the end of time.

Letting Go

I am angry at you for just letting go
Slipping through your fingers
Time and memories sinking through the fog
I know I am the one who forced the goodbyes
But I suppose I thought you would at least try

You say you have some growing up to do
Maybe you are not wrong
It is just a shame you used our time as a practice run

I never demanded or asked too much
I was the cool girlfriend
But maybe at times I was something I was not
I gave you pieces of me,
I compromised in the name of love
but in my head I always thought,
I gave away too much

Then you say, you are not sure
Those words slice,
Cut through my heart
You say I deserve the best
Well I thought the best was you
But now I’m sure
I deserve more.

Years of my life feel like a waiting room

Looking back , I know we held on too long
Now I am tending the cuts and bruises on my hands and my soul
One day these wounds won’t feel so fresh or so deep
And one day I will be able to look at a man the way I used to look at you
But at times I am not sure I will ever be that girl again
Who falls in love so blindly
Throws caution to the wind
Now I have built some walls, for the next person that ventures in.

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Today at work ……

Today I thought that I didn’t want to be a nurse

 

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I saw a child cry and her parents weep, I saw sadness that was beyond skin deep.
I saw the inside of someone’s soul today,
There was no turning away,
I held their hand, as the surgeon said
She has 20 per cent chance to make it through
So when she went to surgery I prayed with you.
The hours stretched like the horizon on the sea, endless and boundless,
No eye can see, I prepared and worried and hoped the best for you
But she came back sicker than we thought, you all had a battle
That was only starting to be fought.

So I worked for hours no break you see, I had no time between infusions and fluids, medications and fears, holding out tissues for falling tears.
I’m here to untangle the medical jargon that the surgeons and doctors say,
So u know how your child is doing today;
Is the adrenaline off, have we weaned her vent,
All this questions never relent
You pray to god as the world goes by; down there they don’t realize up here someone might die

So you thank me for my shift, say hope to see you tomorrow.
All I can think is, what did I do today?
I kept your daughter alive for maybe a day more, I kept her comfortable maybe no more, I wish my power extended beyond that, I wish I could magic all things right
But I’m just a nurse, no magically skills and when thank me I feel like a fraud because ur child’s still ill.

Dear Friend

I have been wondering how you are my friend
I have not seen you for a while
I fear you have been hiding
Lost to the world
Laying your head on your pillow
Letting the world get to much
I have told you I am here
But I don’t think you heard my voice
You say you feel your drowning
But you won’t take my hand
Did you see me standing there
Because I have been there all along

Your not alone my friend I see you
One day your see me too
One day the world won’t feel so heavy
Or a burden on your skin
The sky won’t suffocate you
And your start to let people in

So you have been smoking cigarettes and it is fogging up the room
You cannot organise your thoughts
Because your soul is bruised
You have been drinking more everyday
Hoping to world would just leave, just fade away

Your in a empty room, but you feel crowded with the things you have done wrong and those who have wronged you
No space for breathing, but please my friend, do not be leaving
Because I do, I see you

I know people say the pain will fade and you do not believe a word they say
How can you clean a wound so very deep?
I have no words of wisdom or rooms of solitude,
I just have life my dear friend, so join me now

Beat The Bloat- sufferers of IBS

Rolled oats, egg, ricotta, natural yoghurt, cinnamon

Rolled oats, egg, ricotta, natural yoghurt, cinnamon

I have been a sufferer of the dreaded ‘IBS’ since my late teens. Around about 19 for some reason I became intolerant to certain foods. It took me a long time to sort out my diet, mainly to to being at uni and a student and living of pasta and crumpets. It wasn’t until I left uni I started to make a difference with my eating patterns,  and not until I ended up in hospital a few times that I decided I really should make a change.

First off all I tried medications, peppermint tablets, Baclofen, metacloperamide for nausea, other anti spasomatic drugs to control my IBS symptoms. Unfortunately I had a nasty severe allergic reaction to metacloperamide which ended me a night in hospital, after this I decided I didn’t need meds to control my IBS I just needed more self control. Being a lover of all things bread I was concerned and a bit confused what else I would eat! What do people eat for lunch other than sandwiches I pondered! My doctor offered me some nutritional advice which I thought sounded utterly ridiculous, no caffeine, no alcohol, no bread, minimal red meat, I struggled to remember what food groups he had left me with. My first thing I did and noticed made a dramatic difference was a attempt at regular exercise.

Being the IBS sufferer where I get severely bloated and bunged up and terrible spasms, running helps move stuff in the old intestines, encourages gravitational pull of things down  and out.  We all remember Paula  Radcliffe’s little mishap.

Anyway first thing I recommend people with contispating Ibs is to have a run, twice a week preferably. Or when u feel ur symptoms coming on, force yourself to the gym or outside for a walk.

The main thing as a IBS sufferer is to keep a diary, I suggest a month diary of your foods and write down what symptoms you have and see if you notice a pattern develop with certain foods. Often I found I was getting my bloating all the time and it was really hard to pinpoint any particular food apart from the breads and pasta which left me listless and sludgy for at least a week, pizza is a no go, I gave that up pretty quickly due to its severe effect on my digestion. One pizza = a week of Pain and bloat.

Gluten is the main culprit. It even has become a bit fashionable to be gluten free , being a buzzword for health food fanatics. Gluten is a protein found in foods and helps bread have the elasticity in it’s dough. Gluten has become so over saturated in today’s food, the levels it is found in food has doubled over the years and the amount of gluten we consume I believe is affecting our digestive tract. I have been tested for celiac 3 times and every time the tests came back negative, which I am thankful for. What I try to do now is eat as little as possible. I don’t cut it out completely as gluten is in Lots of things from beef to kethcup, but I keep my consumption to a minimum  and I find it really helps with the bloating and stomach spasms. When I have a relapse and go I on a bread binge the stomach pains come back and I remember why I don’t eat it and I tell myself I’m silly and go back to eating as little as possible. If you are not celiac if is ok to have gluten, don’t be scared of it, just be aware of it. Be aware that lots of things such as sauces with gluten in, you can make these from scratch yourself or make healthy alternative choices.

For my bread addiction, I eat sourdough bread, it still has gluten in but it’s gluten is far more digestable for the intestine to absorb. Go to your local bakers and get a loaf, your soon love it. I actually hate white bread now, the doughyness of it is so tasteless, I much prefer sourdough bread with its crusty outside and crunchy texture. If you feel real energetic you can make Quinoa bread.

My main rules of thumb as a IBS sufferer are

always eat regularly, small meals and often

regular exercise

sleep

lower levels of stress, I.e. Exercise!

Healthy alternatives to bread e.g. Sourdough

forget complex carbohydrates I.e crumpets, croissants, pasta,  Go for Low G.I

Bulgur wheat, Quiona are my faves and I have with everything, spag bowl, currys, salads, the use is so varied ame leaves u feeling comfortable after dinner.

Go organic and try try make most of what you eat from scratch

learn to prepare lunches for work, healthy food takes some prep time, not long but some

Forget cereals for breakfast go for eggs, high in protein- keeps you fuller for longer, avacodos which are full of good fats. Or go for Quinoa porridge or what I like to eat yoghurt and fruit with rolled oats. Or rolled oat pancakes 😉 delicious. U can even chuck fruit, yoghurt and oats in a Blender for a Morning smoothie.

limit alcohol intake , I love a drink but it takes days of recovery. try sticking to vodka or gin, vodka and water is a good one. Say no to beer  and cider full of all things wheat.

For me I exchange my normal milk for almond or rice milk, expensive but worth it, I use  normal milk for my tea and that’s it. Too much diary is hard for the body to digest, so why put strain on it why I know it’s already a tricky bugger.

I know it takes time to create good habits and good habits take time, so try  One thing at a time, I’m not perfect still but I have learnt my demon foods  and with the help of certain books which I’ll list below I have really been able to tackle Ibs.

Books-

All Dale Pinnocks books, since I have read his books my diet has improved and I can really  understand the benefits of a healthy diet, his books have changed my mindset and I love cooking his easy but delicious recipes.

James Duigan, Clean & Lean

Honestly Healthy by NaTasha correct and Vicky Edgson

Strangers

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When I Look out of my window at work, I glance across the road, heavy with imprints of the scars of the days and nights. Cars pass through, people cross, life keeps on treading their path past my window. Like most people I watch them and I wonder, what’s their story, where are they heading? 5am on a night shift is always the time for me where I try and shake the groggy feel that seems to have a tight grip on my mind, like the clearing grey skies my mind is fighting its way to the light! If I am not busy I like to write my notes and glance out the window. London starts to come alive again, it always dies off around 3am, the last stragglers making their way home, night buses dropping their last travellers, students after a night out, after work drinks gone to long. Once the roads are clear It feels like the world preparing for a new day, people resting and getting fit to get up again and start over. At 5 am when I am looking after this particular patient glancing out this particular window, one man is always at the bus stop, he stands and he waits, his briefcase ready and his suit all ironed, I wonder if everyday to him feels the same, getting up at the same time, going to the same bus stop, making the same journey. Maybe he is a lawyer or a salesman, maybe he is a teacher. I like watching him and thinking today is a new day make it what you want. Because every time I look across to my patient and I know theirs days are numbered, does the man at the bus stop know that every morning he is so much luckier than someone else, that someone else is slowly dying and he continues to breath? I always look at him and I hope he knows it is great to be alive. 5am in the morning makes me feel like anything is possible, the light starts to break, streets start jumping to life, each person has been giving another day to make plans, to be kind, to put a smile on someone’s face.

When I finally get relieved I make the same journey I always do home. For some people London morning can be quite grey but I love it. I stop to get a tea for my journey home, plus I always get one for the tramp on the corner of the platform, he sits there and he looks for me now. I have a habit of always wanting to sit in the same seat, I like to wait in the same seat and notice people, some people I know from the mornings, others are time travellers, people passing through my vision, holidaymakers, gap year students, executives rushing to new meetings in new boardrooms in new parts of the city. There is one man, I notice him because he always stands near the platform. A inpatient traveller, he seems to lean in towards the train like he is listening for its beacon, the wheels on the track, the light at the far end of the tunnel. He dresses nice, always smart, he strikes me as a arty person or someone who works for magazines. He likes to wear his shirt buttoned right to the top, no tie to indicate a formal work dress code. He wears denim shirts with long sleeves, he wears them with chinos that he rolls up with shoes that I always think people who go boating wear, bit preppy but not, as he has a tattoo just behind his ear which says something in Latin. Maybe he travelled on his gap year and got the tattoo at a full moon party after jugs of random concoctions and chants of encouragement from his friends. I wonder if he still likes it? His blonde hair is parted to the side in a schoolboy way and it ruffles a bit as the train comes through, if he stood back a bit further it probably wouldn’t happen. I notice him but he never notices me, I think he doesn’t notice many people. Today I sat in the same place and I look for him and I notice him a little further on, away from the real hustle and bustle, maybe he is fed up of all the pushing and shoving. I can see the side of his face, his stubble from a good few days of not shaving, he is standing right behind the yellow line, like a dare, like someone shouted chicken and he could prove them wrong. His head is cast down and I wonder if he had a late night, maybe he is tired, maybe work is though at the moment, maybe he didn’t see the sky like I did this morning and can’t see the day the way I do. I notice him step forward and I get up, the train says 1 minute, for some reason I feel nervous, his little red boating shoe has stepped over the yellow line, no one else has noticed, their iPhones and their iPads, their kindles and their thoughts have them occupied. I walk up to him and his second foot goes over as the trains light can be seen in the tunnel. I grasp his denim sleeve, he flicks his blue eyes up at me, they surprise me because they seem sad. We stand like that for seems like ages but it was probably a fraction of a second, ‘I noticed you, your meant to stay behind the yellow lines till the train pulls in’ ,
‘ ah’ he says and I stay holding his arm till the train pulls away.
‘ fancy a coffee’ I offer.
He seemed a bit taken aback but he said yes, so I took him across the road to the cafe.
‘I notice you most mornings you know, ‘ I say gently
He nurses he coffee, flat white, mixes in some sugar and smiles. The smile never quite reaches his eyes.
‘Most mornings I stand and I think, everyone seems in such a rush, such a hurry and I wonder what for,’ he stares at is coffee still.
‘ah u see I love that, the hustle, ‘ I say, he looks at me amused, a real smile flickers at his lips
‘are u a Londoner,’
‘born and bred’ I put my hands up in mock defence. he looks me in the eye
‘ u say u notice me, why? ‘ he looks earnest
‘you always stand so close to the line, and u dress nice, like a clothes ad, I always assume u have a cool job,’ he laughs at my assumption
‘I am Graphic designer, is that cool?’ He raises his eyebrow, he sounds neither amused or sad, neutral.
‘Yep most certainly, well it is arty, I assumed you would be arty, I don’t mean to be assumy, I like to people watch it is my thing, I watch and I put stories to people. Passes the time, have u got to get to work?’ I ask. He glances at his watch, it has a small face with a brown leather strap, it looks worn, like it belonged to someone once before.’ I’ll say I missed my train, I have just been made redundant anyway.’ He laughs and then he says, ‘thank you for stopping me from doing something stupid,’ I smile and say, ‘bad week, bad month bad year, we all have them, meet me for a coffee in the morning, 5am, I’ll take you somewhere and you can see the way I start my day, I like to start it with a view, a view of better things,’. He casts those blue eyes up to me again, his eyelashes flutter upwards casting a tiny shadow on his cheek, ‘ sometimes London surprises me, people surprise me least when I expect it, ‘
I look at him fully, ‘There is good things everywhere u know, life has a awful way of putting his muddy feet all over ur plans and ur vision, sometimes u just need perspective,’ I pause then carry on, ‘ ur already late for work, follow me.’ I take him out the cafe, he follows me, I smile at him and we walk together side by side. I take him away from he cafe, the smell of coffee and croissants and the early morning chatter, the people making plans with friends and colleagues. We walk towards the river Thames. The air is crisp and sharp, biting but not too cold. We walk past old Victorian townhouses and people walking kids in blazers to their schools, buses and cars whizz past, the day gets so much busier. I take him to the river and we lean on the railing. I glance towards the Thames, ‘I like to imagine the Thames in the old days when people had to get ferris across,’ I say. He looks pensive, his eyes stare out into the distance, a vagueness settles In his eyes,
‘I like to run In Battersea park over there, ‘ I point behind us, ‘ I love running along the river, water gives me a sense of calm, you should try it, it really clears my head. Meet me here tomorrow 5 am, the sunset is really lovely, it always sets me up for the day, I look out and just think how amazing nature is, it makes me feel small in a good way, like a speck on earths awesomeness,’ he laughs, the laughter crinkles his lovely blue eyes, ‘I will ‘ he says, ‘thankyou, this is nice, slowing down, taking things in, I wish things in life could fall into place just as the sun rises and falls,’ he looks at me and he eyes take me by surprise, they crinkle in a smile and we stand for a second just staring at each other, then he leans in and kisses he me. His lips are soft and he pushes gently, his tongue folds slightly against mine, his hands touch my side and slide through my hair.
‘I think ur a angel, ‘ he says ‘you came to save me, thank you.’ He leans back from me and he walks back towards the station, he turns smiles and I wonder if tomorrow ill see him he at 5am or if maybe just someone saying hi within the din of the human traffic, if that was enough.