Me, Myself and I


Goodbye Lover                                                                    Me, myself and I

It happens to us all when a relationship ends, it is painful, it hurts, no matter if it ends amicably or your the person to end it, it will hurt and the recovery period isn’t set in stone, it’s not like a pot roast, we cannot set a time for our pain to be done, pain demands to be felt and boy does it get felt.
Like a wound in the initial period, we try cleaning it and covering it up, going out with friends, sleeping around, drinking, throwing ourselves into work, but we soon realize ignoring the wound won’t make it heal, the ugly nature of it is still there and if we don’t address it, it will scar.
We can be said to over analzye, often I wonder if this is the downfall of myself, the fact that I analzye and sructinize aspects of aspects till the aspects start to blur, you question your questions and come up with no answers, so in the end, it is best to go with your heart, your instinct, to listen to the nature call of your heart; because we all have a preference, even in the midst of our pain, we kinda know what the best route is, we just know it won’t be easy. If anyone has experience in breaking up you know, it is not easy, you plan your words of hurt, arranging them like a scrabble game, hoping to morph them to words of comfort, but that will never happen, the other person won’t remember the words you wrapped in cotton wool or the nice things you said to pad the fall, they remember the harshness; relationships are like passing out, you don’t remember all said and done in the moment, just the most painful bits, you remember the sharp edges that cut, the blunt force that you felt thud in your chest.

Being part of a break up never gets easier, you just become better at dusting yourself off, better at telling yourself that things will turn out ok, you get better at moving, you know that the pain felt will simmer and that there is hope, hope you hold to get you through the darker days when the light at the end of the tunnel keeps flickering off. As human nature goes, we learn and we learn to know that breaking up means also pulling ourselves together.

Feelings are sometimes hard to articulate, feelings don’t follow a break up recipe, In break ups you feel hurt because maybe they just accepted it, selfishly you wanted them to show you their pain so you could see if you are making the right decision, but his pain is his and he can decide not to share, but it makes us feel unwanted, like he had just been waiting for the time till you ended it. When someone accepts so easily it makes going easier, why shall one person be fighting while the other hasn’t even drawn their sword.
To be fully honest in the past I have had a selfish pain, a selfish pain of feeling unwanted and feeling that after so long why couldn’t I make it work, maybe I’ll just never be happy and never deserve to be. When I ended a previous relationship I thought, what have I done! I have hurt a perfectly good man to find what a better one? that’s the scary part, what is a better man and where is he? where is that person and when will I find him? I’m quite a independent person and I don’t struggle to meet people but a connection through the minds doesn’t come often, so despite the scary abyss that now is the unknown,
I’m prepared to wait for someone who will try harder, for the person that will make me feel not complete as that comes from inside, but someone who brings curves to my edges and a brightness to my spirit.
A relationship should add value, you should not look in the mirror and think your less than you ever could be, you should look in the mirror and think you are more than you ever thought you would become.
So people sit with your wounds and your scars, let them heal and learn to be just be happy by yourself and say, ‘I made a choice to fall in love and get hurt and that is a choice I’m happy with, as the saying goes you don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you get a choice in who hurts you and I’m happy with my choices.’
So when breaking up take a look on the inside before searching for someone else on the outside, to love again you need to get back to the you, the you knew you were before the previous person claimed something, you take that back, whether it is crushed or crumbled, and you rebuild yourself, you are not putting up walls you are creating your new boundaries.

So this time now is all
About Me, Myself and I


Love and Other things . . .

“Sometimes you make choices, and sometimes choices make you.”
                                   – Gayle Forman, If I Stay

Lately I have been wondering what is it that attracts you to someone? What is it that draws you to someone over someone else? So, I pose the likely already discussed question, ‘What is attraction?’

Is attraction conscious or subconscious? (I am a very deep person). These sensations that we label feelings of attraction are we able to control them or do they control us? Are we attractions puppet? Are we even in control? When we are attracted to another being, be that male, female or transgender is it because our body is responding to that person subconsciously? Do we play no part in the first step where we decide someone is attractive or is that already decided for us by our own body? Are we not the masters of our thoughts like we so often like to think? When we first meet someone do we consciously make the choice to fancy them, or is our sneaky subconscious already making moves and we are just slow on the up take? My opinion whether you regard it or not is we never make the decision of who we are sexually attracted to, that decision is determined for us. We just consciously decide whether to act on those decisions. It is unconscious attraction until you realise it, which statistically is within 3 seconds of meeting someone (facts however loose found on google aka the bible) and once realisation dawns on you then you have a choice to consciously act upon this sexual attraction. This act of consciously showing our attraction is the part that is the hardest for people to act on. Especially us reserved English because off the fear of having to eat that shame sandwich of rejection which no one welcomes, as no one likes to chow down on humiliation and rejection all in one go.

Our body is an indicator for our dislikes and our likes. When we meet someone our body tells us whether we like them. When we are too cold our body informs us. When we are too hot we sweat. When we our hungry our belly growls. Our body is constantly telling us what we need to do to keep it chugging along. Attraction isn’t a choice we make it is something our body reacts to like the taste of pralines and ice cream (I love it). Loving that ice cream is a reaction from my body telling me, ‘Eat more it’s good,’ which I consciously then eat the whole tub; no ones making me do that. We are like mere puppets being strung by something we cannot see. Feelings are reactions to a pleasing stimuli, which we can control only after they have been thought. It seems silly to me to say we are able to control our thoughts that pop into our minds. The control we do have is choice, we can choose to suppress them or act upon them.

All this deeper stuff that I am waffling on about intrigues me. Could ending up with someone just be your destiny. Though I beg the question, ‘What is destiny?.’ Apart from Destiny being a popular American girl group I tend to lean-to the side that people made up the word destiny. People label things they don’t understand or cannot fully grasp, instead of just accepting the fact that in reality we are not in control of our lives. Choosing to be with someone, that’s your choice. Choosing what job you accept is in your control. These are decisions you made. Or are they? In reality how do you know you haven’t made an unconscious decision, as you may have acted on instinct when you accepted the job because it felt right, or dated that guy because for some reason you just clicked. Were they subconscious/conscious decisions you made (mind twister). If we went with gut feelings would we be being living unconsciously and those who did not are living more consciously? These are just my interpretations of what I feel, what I see and what I have been mulling over in my mind. I could be sprouting allot of dribbling, but really how much control do we really have over who we are and what we become?

This blog was essentially a tirade of questions, do you feel attacked? Do you feel I have left you with little answers? Do you feel cheated? The answers you can gather for yourself, take a question and start a dinner table discussion. Are we ever really in control?


Breaking up, Breaking down, Breaking Balls.


When life throws you an oddball your meant to pick it up and throw it back, but what happens when it throws you an oddball that’s so out of sorts you end up taking a stumble right back to the start. I may be being vague here for you, but my point is: What happens when life changes as you know it? When everything you know becomes something different. How do you deal with life changing as you know it? When the life you wade through shifts plains and you end up somewhere unexpected, on a different plain somewhere further away and there’s no chance of getting back. Your stuck somewhere different, somewhere where the roads are murky and the fog makes it hard for you to see, somewhere where your decisions are more clouded than you hoped or cared for them to be. Your future becomes a puzzle your quite unsure how to put back together, but you must start somewhere, what other choice do you have?

Breaking up from a partner is something I have never done before, walking away is something people classify as brave, but is it brave really? Brave is walking in the line of fire everyday, fighting in wars, working the beaten streets that people don’t dare to walk without their thumb firmly pressed on 999. Can you class brave walking away from a man you love to hope for a better future? Or is that a selfish and self-wanting act that deserves nothing but a side ward glance of ‘you should of tried harder’. But how hard in life is trying too hard? When is trying too much? Should you work on your relationship until the very essence of who you once were is gone or should you walk away? Should you give up self-respect and dignity if you really love someone or if someone loves you should they walk away before they make you do that? Now I am very much pondering the worlds woes here, not saying I broke up from my partner for these reasons; one will keep them secret as it would be unfair to share them with the world. When you break up with someone thoughts come in abundance, of what you could have done, who you could have been to make it work, and what in the future is acceptable when one-day you decide to throw yourself back in the dating game, which won’t be for while, I am considering nunnery options, least they have permanent housing, food and water!

Is it easier in life to be dumped then to be the  dumper? I pose this to you. Being dumped you cannot do anything about it, it’s over there’s no two ways about it; you have no say over it, no lingering questions of whether your making the worst decision of your life as that decision was made by the dumper. The dumper has a minefield to tiptoe through; should I, shouldn’t I? Is this the right decision? Is it not? Is love enough? Am I am irrational fool that’s making extreme decisions that I will only regret when the dumped moves on? The dumper may seem callous, like they have no feelings, like it’s an easy choice when in reality its a decision that over take’s every waking hour and every waking thought, it immobilize’s you until you make a choice which is yay or nah!. When you’ve been dumped you have to come to terms with the fact it didn’t work, you wade through your own self-doubt, insecurities and then slowly learn that maybe it wasn’t meant to be and your find that someone who fits you the way it’s meant to be. You may be left scarred but then who isn’t left scarred, who doesn’t have emotional wounds that are hiding beneath the ever so seemingly normal surface.

Breaking up means growing balls, you need to man up to shape up and ship out. But in life it’s better to love and lost to never have loved at all. The aftermath may be hard, the sadness comes in waves, the self-doubt of whether you made the right decision, the answer only comes with time. Maybe you have made the wrong choice, that’s something I’ll have to live with it once I’ve had the space to access who I am and what I want. That’s the problem with being the dumper, when you decide what’s real, what’s right, it might be too late, that’s a hard pill to swallow, but in life one must make bold decisions or forever live in self-doubt, wondering if really that this is it. Sometimes in life you get lost in the mundane, lost within the shadows of another and sometimes you need to be brave to reclaim your own shadow and become again who you started out as. Losing yourself within your loved one is an easy thing to do, you become so intertwined it’s hard to tell where you start and they end, you forget what is it that you once expected from life. Being my own person is something I demand to be and somewhere along the way I got a little lost, that’s my own doing. In life we all need to know ourselves better to really know what we want to then embrace life as we only live once and that once I  need to be more than what is now.

So right or wrong sometimes you need to break balls, break down to break through.

Monogamy…Are We All MAD!

Monogamy is something as a society we expect from our partner in life but why? It’s a big old word that looms over every relationship saying your mine and mine only, (insert evil laugh) mwhahahahaha. Is Monogamy just ruining your relationship and instead should we all just be allowed to shamelessly cavort around, lend our body to whom we wish to gain self-gratification. Is being faithful really such a vital part of having a successful relationship or is it an idea that have been drilled into us by society and in reality monogamy is  unnatural? Is being with one partner more unnatural than anything and in reality we all have it the wrong way round. Is monogamy plagued by adultery?

Now as you read my scandalous first paragraph with your eyes you may be there thinking I am some lustful sinner that throws myself about shamelessly but hold those thoughts and I can tell you that I am pretty much  the other end of the scale. I would never cheat on someone and never have, not that I am sitting here casting aspersions on anyone’s character if they have because life isn’t black and white, it’s grey and many a time I have been lost within the grey wondering how the hell I became so jaded.

In life people are constantly caught out cheating, just look at the people in the media like Ashley Cole, Kristen Stuart and many others seem to think the grass is greener and hop over for a rendezvous on the other side only to get caught out and get burnt. Would it just be easier in life if people had open relationships, does being in a one man/ one women relationship stifle people and make them in the end cheat as do relationships eventually always become stale?

In the animal kingdom animals have mates for different uses, one for companionship, one for naughtiness and so on, is this an idea that we should take forward instead of ball and chaining ourselves to one person for the rest of our lives? The rest of our lives is a long time after all. Is it really possible to ask someone to stay faithful to you for the whole of their lives?

In life it seems men are more adulterous than women, now I am not saying us women are all saints as I know this to be far from the truth. Women can be just as bad as men on the cheating front but are just less likely to get caught. It’s seems in this day and age its harder and harder for people to sustain a lasting relationship where people are faithful to each other, we have to ask ourselves, why is this? Is it because in the 21st century we have so many options and we are more selfish and concerned about number 1 and our own satisfactions than ever before? Are we more selfish as we believe society owes us everything and if we don’t get all of our desires we feel short-handed? Is it because we have more freedom than ever and the opportunity to do as we please? Divorce use to be frowned upon and to get divorced was seen as shameful, nowadays it an everyday thing that people barely bat an eyelid at which gives us no feeling of shame to confront so opting out is easier than ever before, there’s no need to make something work when you can find a newer model without the chinks in the armour like the old model. But in reality any relationship will get chinks on the way, no relationship will ever stay shiny and new no matter how hard you try, if you dump your new model at the first sign of trouble you will only go on to the next model and eventually end up in the same position again. For people who want the everlasting euphoric feeling of a new shiny relationship maybe having an open relationship is the way to go, then least your never setting someone up for disappointment.

In life jealously is a human condition that will forever get in the way of anyone ever really having an open relationship. Passion goes hand in hand with jealousy and by dabbling in an open relationship are you dancing with the devil. In the end an open relationship I think causes more trouble and strife than you think it would. Open relationships are like sex buddies, a good idea in hindsight but in reality someone always falls harder for the other,  Is that fair? To go knowingly go into something that you know will only end up in tatters. Anyone who thinks they can have a sex buddy is mildly deluded in my opinion. Women are clingy (most of them anyhow) and men can be possessive (most of them anyhow). As humans we have too many emotions in our little finger to control to really live them dream of having an open relationship. Crimes of passion are forever documented, we as humans are a mass of feelings and emotions that can implode and explode and make us do things we never thought we would do, as I said before are we playing devils advocate when we try to go out side of monogamy.

In my world where I dance from day-to-day to my own kind of beat I love being within a relationship where touch wood neither me or my partner have done the dirty on one another. I am a one women man. I am not saying we’ve had it plain sailing and that everyday is sunshine and butterflies but without him where would I be I ask myself? Back into the pitiless game of dating where no man could match the way he makes me feel. I have in time come to know many people and see them make their way through their relationships making mistake after mistake, having affair after affair, cheating on their partners again and again and I have lost faith in people and the faithful ideal. But I do have a small shred of hope that lies within what I have, I believe there are men out there who will stay faithful you just have to find the guy that takes you for you, loves you for you, and is honest with you whether you like it or not. To let go of what I have I know would be foolish and in the end I don’t trust anyone like I trust my partner. I am slightly jaded as strange as it may sound for someone in a successful relationship. But I believe more and more some people just aren’t cut out for the one women/one man relationship so why bother trying. Why don’t people who cannot be faithful be honest and say “Look I am gonna mess about, I want to swing from branch to branch, hop from bed to bed” instead of lying to the person they are with. By being deceitful your are not only hurting yourself you are bringing someone else down, and that’s one of the cruelest things to do.
They say cheating has nothing to do with love and it’s a human desire, so should we really suppress a desire that is so primitive? In the end we are all animals. A man spreading his seed maybe is more natural than not. In this day and age we have so many options and so much freedom we can pretty much live how we want, unless of course your living in the middle east. But with all the options we have living in the western world we can live as we please so why enter a relationship knowing you are going to cheat when you can easily live a life of the playboy dream and no one would really care, you would most likely get a pat on the back and a wishful sigh of jealousy from your friends. Though to live a type of life where you live by your own rules you do run the risk of ending up alone, but should people be scared of ending up alone? Shouldn’t we be comfortable being alone? No one should be scared of being in their own company, of being alone, if you are you must ask yourself why? To me to be alone and comfortable means your more than ready to give something to a relationship, to not be okay in my eyes means your are not? Insecurity they say is a big deal breaker in why some people cheat, not because there’s no love but because your own insecurities ebb away at the relationship your sustaining. So to me being single isn’t something to scorn, it’s something to rejoice as when your single you can get to know yourself fully to decided what kind of relationship will suit you.

I know myself, I am an all or nothing type of girl. There’s no way of denying it, I jump in almost blind, I walk before I can see and I hope for the best. I will fight to make something work rather than throw in the towel. I will love beyond reason. I am stubborn and I am with everything like a dog with a bone, I won’t let it go, weathers that’s a good or bad thing.
In life as I have said in previous post’s is yours to do as you wish with. But why hurt people on the way when that can be avoided. If you feel the urge to cheat, go on a break, don’t run full steam ahead into a situation you will only come out bruised. Why hurt others when you can avoid it, as the bible says and I am not really a religious person but it’s something I fully agree with:

‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’

In reality having an open relationship is a complex issue and maybe that’s why monogamy is so popular as it filters out many of the troubles that open relationships bring. But one’s thing for sure and that’s I am not sold on the multiple lovers idea. We as humans have too many emotions to control to really live within an open relationship, to have one in my eyes you have to be somewhat detached and cold inside to side step all those pesky feelings that will surface eventually.

The Grass is Greener

Hi, below is a short poem about always thinking things are better, in life as u get older you soon realize to count your blessings! working as a nurse I am reminded every single day of how lucky I am to have the friends, family and bf that I have. It’s important people to take stock and realize even when times are low you probably have someone to turn to. So when your feeling sad or blue, take a moment to count your blessings and your realize, that person over there may be richer and fancier or have things that you aspire to have; but what really counts is what you can touch and feel!! And sometimes like the poem says….. if you ever reach the other side, it’ll look different and your notice things close up that you never noticed before, sometimes life can be a bit like a mosaic, sometimes things look great from far aware but close up it’s a million different pieces !!

The grass is greener on the other side

The sun shines bright in other lives

The days seem longer

And the dark doesn’t cloud your fears

Everything is a wonder on the other side

Trying to smell the grass that smells so rare to you

Trying to touch the sun before it burns

Oh everything is a wonder on the other side

But the sun always burns if you get to close

And the grass doesn’t stay green the  whole year through

The other side may seem a different world but just ask that person

Who stands across looking to you

Ask him the colour of the grass today you might be surprised to hear what he has to say.

Tell Me the Story

Tell me the story

From beginning to end

I’m eager to know how my life ends

I want to know

The triumphs and the glory

The downfall of my story

I want to know

What happened after you

I want to know

What I am meant to do

I want to know

How I am meant to survive

If tonight will end in tears

Everything was perfect

I couldn’t see what was wrong

But you told me I was not looking close enough

And there were cracks on the ground

That we were walking on

Then you said those words

That made my world crumble to the floor

I  don’t understand why I was the only one

Who thought we were worth fighting for

I want to know the future

Know what lies ahead

So there are no surprises instead

I want to know the entire story

If love is part of my ever ending story

I want to know

What I am meant to do

To get one more step

Closer to you

I want to know the future

Know what lies ahead

So there are no surprises

You turned my life around

Made everything I had seem so unprofound

You turned your back

You Closed the door

You Left me for pieces on the floor

I want to know

What will fill the space

From here to there

Laughter or despair

So tell me the story

I just want to know

What the future holds

Whatever happened after you let go

I want to know the entire story

If love is part of my ever ending story

I want to know

What I am meant to do

To get one more step

Closer to you

Tell me the story now or never

I just want to know

The secret of a good life together