Laying in wait

I’m not cold or hardened
I’m just not sure
I’m uncertain of what love is anymore
I can’t touch it to tell you it is there
It is like a legend, a fable
A story told that’s fades like a wisp on the cold morning air.

I have felt it and embraced it
but now the feelings gone
Once it engulfed me, now it is a haze on the horizon,
sand shifting in a desert storm

I’m worried it has passed me
Rushing through like hurried bodies
leaving me with muddy prints,
Left is just a tiny reminder
That yes love once was here

Sometimes I crave an intimate hand
To hold me not for a second but four
For physical contact to mean something deeper,
something more

But I’m scared of the next person
They have a lot of work to do
I’m not sure I’m ready to commit
to being that person that doesn’t fit

I’m done with taking my feelings and brushing them down,
so when I hurt you
or leave early In the morning
Maybe I don’t take your number or text you back
Please don’t be hurt

I’m just watching my back

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Letting Go

I am angry at you for just letting go
Slipping through your fingers
Time and memories sinking through the fog
I know I am the one who forced the goodbyes
But I suppose I thought you would at least try

You say you have some growing up to do
Maybe you are not wrong
It is just a shame you used our time as a practice run

I never demanded or asked too much
I was the cool girlfriend
But maybe at times I was something I was not
I gave you pieces of me,
I compromised in the name of love
but in my head I always thought,
I gave away too much

Then you say, you are not sure
Those words slice,
Cut through my heart
You say I deserve the best
Well I thought the best was you
But now I’m sure
I deserve more.

Years of my life feel like a waiting room

Looking back , I know we held on too long
Now I am tending the cuts and bruises on my hands and my soul
One day these wounds won’t feel so fresh or so deep
And one day I will be able to look at a man the way I used to look at you
But at times I am not sure I will ever be that girl again
Who falls in love so blindly
Throws caution to the wind
Now I have built some walls, for the next person that ventures in.

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Breaking up, Breaking down, Breaking Balls.

single

When life throws you an oddball your meant to pick it up and throw it back, but what happens when it throws you an oddball that’s so out of sorts you end up taking a stumble right back to the start. I may be being vague here for you, but my point is: What happens when life changes as you know it? When everything you know becomes something different. How do you deal with life changing as you know it? When the life you wade through shifts plains and you end up somewhere unexpected, on a different plain somewhere further away and there’s no chance of getting back. Your stuck somewhere different, somewhere where the roads are murky and the fog makes it hard for you to see, somewhere where your decisions are more clouded than you hoped or cared for them to be. Your future becomes a puzzle your quite unsure how to put back together, but you must start somewhere, what other choice do you have?

Breaking up from a partner is something I have never done before, walking away is something people classify as brave, but is it brave really? Brave is walking in the line of fire everyday, fighting in wars, working the beaten streets that people don’t dare to walk without their thumb firmly pressed on 999. Can you class brave walking away from a man you love to hope for a better future? Or is that a selfish and self-wanting act that deserves nothing but a side ward glance of ‘you should of tried harder’. But how hard in life is trying too hard? When is trying too much? Should you work on your relationship until the very essence of who you once were is gone or should you walk away? Should you give up self-respect and dignity if you really love someone or if someone loves you should they walk away before they make you do that? Now I am very much pondering the worlds woes here, not saying I broke up from my partner for these reasons; one will keep them secret as it would be unfair to share them with the world. When you break up with someone thoughts come in abundance, of what you could have done, who you could have been to make it work, and what in the future is acceptable when one-day you decide to throw yourself back in the dating game, which won’t be for while, I am considering nunnery options, least they have permanent housing, food and water!

Is it easier in life to be dumped then to be the  dumper? I pose this to you. Being dumped you cannot do anything about it, it’s over there’s no two ways about it; you have no say over it, no lingering questions of whether your making the worst decision of your life as that decision was made by the dumper. The dumper has a minefield to tiptoe through; should I, shouldn’t I? Is this the right decision? Is it not? Is love enough? Am I am irrational fool that’s making extreme decisions that I will only regret when the dumped moves on? The dumper may seem callous, like they have no feelings, like it’s an easy choice when in reality its a decision that over take’s every waking hour and every waking thought, it immobilize’s you until you make a choice which is yay or nah!. When you’ve been dumped you have to come to terms with the fact it didn’t work, you wade through your own self-doubt, insecurities and then slowly learn that maybe it wasn’t meant to be and your find that someone who fits you the way it’s meant to be. You may be left scarred but then who isn’t left scarred, who doesn’t have emotional wounds that are hiding beneath the ever so seemingly normal surface.

Breaking up means growing balls, you need to man up to shape up and ship out. But in life it’s better to love and lost to never have loved at all. The aftermath may be hard, the sadness comes in waves, the self-doubt of whether you made the right decision, the answer only comes with time. Maybe you have made the wrong choice, that’s something I’ll have to live with it once I’ve had the space to access who I am and what I want. That’s the problem with being the dumper, when you decide what’s real, what’s right, it might be too late, that’s a hard pill to swallow, but in life one must make bold decisions or forever live in self-doubt, wondering if really that this is it. Sometimes in life you get lost in the mundane, lost within the shadows of another and sometimes you need to be brave to reclaim your own shadow and become again who you started out as. Losing yourself within your loved one is an easy thing to do, you become so intertwined it’s hard to tell where you start and they end, you forget what is it that you once expected from life. Being my own person is something I demand to be and somewhere along the way I got a little lost, that’s my own doing. In life we all need to know ourselves better to really know what we want to then embrace life as we only live once and that once I  need to be more than what is now.

So right or wrong sometimes you need to break balls, break down to break through.

Monogamy…Are We All MAD!

Monogamy is something as a society we expect from our partner in life but why? It’s a big old word that looms over every relationship saying your mine and mine only, (insert evil laugh) mwhahahahaha. Is Monogamy just ruining your relationship and instead should we all just be allowed to shamelessly cavort around, lend our body to whom we wish to gain self-gratification. Is being faithful really such a vital part of having a successful relationship or is it an idea that have been drilled into us by society and in reality monogamy is  unnatural? Is being with one partner more unnatural than anything and in reality we all have it the wrong way round. Is monogamy plagued by adultery?

Now as you read my scandalous first paragraph with your eyes you may be there thinking I am some lustful sinner that throws myself about shamelessly but hold those thoughts and I can tell you that I am pretty much  the other end of the scale. I would never cheat on someone and never have, not that I am sitting here casting aspersions on anyone’s character if they have because life isn’t black and white, it’s grey and many a time I have been lost within the grey wondering how the hell I became so jaded.

In life people are constantly caught out cheating, just look at the people in the media like Ashley Cole, Kristen Stuart and many others seem to think the grass is greener and hop over for a rendezvous on the other side only to get caught out and get burnt. Would it just be easier in life if people had open relationships, does being in a one man/ one women relationship stifle people and make them in the end cheat as do relationships eventually always become stale?

In the animal kingdom animals have mates for different uses, one for companionship, one for naughtiness and so on, is this an idea that we should take forward instead of ball and chaining ourselves to one person for the rest of our lives? The rest of our lives is a long time after all. Is it really possible to ask someone to stay faithful to you for the whole of their lives?

In life it seems men are more adulterous than women, now I am not saying us women are all saints as I know this to be far from the truth. Women can be just as bad as men on the cheating front but are just less likely to get caught. It’s seems in this day and age its harder and harder for people to sustain a lasting relationship where people are faithful to each other, we have to ask ourselves, why is this? Is it because in the 21st century we have so many options and we are more selfish and concerned about number 1 and our own satisfactions than ever before? Are we more selfish as we believe society owes us everything and if we don’t get all of our desires we feel short-handed? Is it because we have more freedom than ever and the opportunity to do as we please? Divorce use to be frowned upon and to get divorced was seen as shameful, nowadays it an everyday thing that people barely bat an eyelid at which gives us no feeling of shame to confront so opting out is easier than ever before, there’s no need to make something work when you can find a newer model without the chinks in the armour like the old model. But in reality any relationship will get chinks on the way, no relationship will ever stay shiny and new no matter how hard you try, if you dump your new model at the first sign of trouble you will only go on to the next model and eventually end up in the same position again. For people who want the everlasting euphoric feeling of a new shiny relationship maybe having an open relationship is the way to go, then least your never setting someone up for disappointment.

In life jealously is a human condition that will forever get in the way of anyone ever really having an open relationship. Passion goes hand in hand with jealousy and by dabbling in an open relationship are you dancing with the devil. In the end an open relationship I think causes more trouble and strife than you think it would. Open relationships are like sex buddies, a good idea in hindsight but in reality someone always falls harder for the other,  Is that fair? To go knowingly go into something that you know will only end up in tatters. Anyone who thinks they can have a sex buddy is mildly deluded in my opinion. Women are clingy (most of them anyhow) and men can be possessive (most of them anyhow). As humans we have too many emotions in our little finger to control to really live them dream of having an open relationship. Crimes of passion are forever documented, we as humans are a mass of feelings and emotions that can implode and explode and make us do things we never thought we would do, as I said before are we playing devils advocate when we try to go out side of monogamy.

In my world where I dance from day-to-day to my own kind of beat I love being within a relationship where touch wood neither me or my partner have done the dirty on one another. I am a one women man. I am not saying we’ve had it plain sailing and that everyday is sunshine and butterflies but without him where would I be I ask myself? Back into the pitiless game of dating where no man could match the way he makes me feel. I have in time come to know many people and see them make their way through their relationships making mistake after mistake, having affair after affair, cheating on their partners again and again and I have lost faith in people and the faithful ideal. But I do have a small shred of hope that lies within what I have, I believe there are men out there who will stay faithful you just have to find the guy that takes you for you, loves you for you, and is honest with you whether you like it or not. To let go of what I have I know would be foolish and in the end I don’t trust anyone like I trust my partner. I am slightly jaded as strange as it may sound for someone in a successful relationship. But I believe more and more some people just aren’t cut out for the one women/one man relationship so why bother trying. Why don’t people who cannot be faithful be honest and say “Look I am gonna mess about, I want to swing from branch to branch, hop from bed to bed” instead of lying to the person they are with. By being deceitful your are not only hurting yourself you are bringing someone else down, and that’s one of the cruelest things to do.
They say cheating has nothing to do with love and it’s a human desire, so should we really suppress a desire that is so primitive? In the end we are all animals. A man spreading his seed maybe is more natural than not. In this day and age we have so many options and so much freedom we can pretty much live how we want, unless of course your living in the middle east. But with all the options we have living in the western world we can live as we please so why enter a relationship knowing you are going to cheat when you can easily live a life of the playboy dream and no one would really care, you would most likely get a pat on the back and a wishful sigh of jealousy from your friends. Though to live a type of life where you live by your own rules you do run the risk of ending up alone, but should people be scared of ending up alone? Shouldn’t we be comfortable being alone? No one should be scared of being in their own company, of being alone, if you are you must ask yourself why? To me to be alone and comfortable means your more than ready to give something to a relationship, to not be okay in my eyes means your are not? Insecurity they say is a big deal breaker in why some people cheat, not because there’s no love but because your own insecurities ebb away at the relationship your sustaining. So to me being single isn’t something to scorn, it’s something to rejoice as when your single you can get to know yourself fully to decided what kind of relationship will suit you.

I know myself, I am an all or nothing type of girl. There’s no way of denying it, I jump in almost blind, I walk before I can see and I hope for the best. I will fight to make something work rather than throw in the towel. I will love beyond reason. I am stubborn and I am with everything like a dog with a bone, I won’t let it go, weathers that’s a good or bad thing.
In life as I have said in previous post’s is yours to do as you wish with. But why hurt people on the way when that can be avoided. If you feel the urge to cheat, go on a break, don’t run full steam ahead into a situation you will only come out bruised. Why hurt others when you can avoid it, as the bible says and I am not really a religious person but it’s something I fully agree with:

‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’

In reality having an open relationship is a complex issue and maybe that’s why monogamy is so popular as it filters out many of the troubles that open relationships bring. But one’s thing for sure and that’s I am not sold on the multiple lovers idea. We as humans have too many emotions to control to really live within an open relationship, to have one in my eyes you have to be somewhat detached and cold inside to side step all those pesky feelings that will surface eventually.

Song……..A Woman Scorned

 

I thought love was for the movies

The stars in the big screens

l thought love was romance novels and magazines

I thought love was for other people and that couple next door

I thought Love was in fairy tales

Nothing I had ever seen before

You were handsome and charming

Quite hard to believe

I thought maybe I was just a reprieve

I was hesitant and cautious

And slightly afraid

But I couldn’t stop myself, I wanted to see you more everyday

At first I tried to tell myself, you were just a fling

Just a casual thing

But you had me from the start

You said hello and you caught my heart.

Now you say: Baby it’s not working anymore

I’m confused and a little  stumbled

I never knew you felt this way

You hush me and put your finger to my lips

You state there is nothing to say, life has pulled us in different ways

Hell have no fury like a woman scorned.

You hurt me now so baby

… be warned

You hurt me and I feel it

It’s like a river to my soul

I’m drowning in the current

I need a helping hand but you’ve given up on coming in

I used to be one of those happy people

Smiling on the tube, I’d give up  my seat for anyone

As I was busy thinking of you

In bars and clubs I could say I was taken

A smug smile on my face

I had you to come home to after all this rat race

And you  were always the who told me I was cynical, to have a little faith

You were the one who told me to give love a try

Stop laughing in its face

So now I wonder how I am the one here alone

I’m drinking wine and prank calling you on my mobile phone

No dignity or integrity

All gone in a drunken haze

I’ll wake up tomorrow and I promise myself I am going to start a brand new day

Tell Me the Story

Tell me the story

From beginning to end

I’m eager to know how my life ends

I want to know

The triumphs and the glory

The downfall of my story

I want to know

What happened after you

I want to know

What I am meant to do

I want to know

How I am meant to survive

If tonight will end in tears

Everything was perfect

I couldn’t see what was wrong

But you told me I was not looking close enough

And there were cracks on the ground

That we were walking on

Then you said those words

That made my world crumble to the floor

I  don’t understand why I was the only one

Who thought we were worth fighting for

I want to know the future

Know what lies ahead

So there are no surprises instead

I want to know the entire story

If love is part of my ever ending story

I want to know

What I am meant to do

To get one more step

Closer to you

I want to know the future

Know what lies ahead

So there are no surprises

You turned my life around

Made everything I had seem so unprofound

You turned your back

You Closed the door

You Left me for pieces on the floor

I want to know

What will fill the space

From here to there

Laughter or despair

So tell me the story

I just want to know

What the future holds

Whatever happened after you let go

I want to know the entire story

If love is part of my ever ending story

I want to know

What I am meant to do

To get one more step

Closer to you

Tell me the story now or never

I just want to know

The secret of a good life together