Love and Other things . . .

“Sometimes you make choices, and sometimes choices make you.”
                                   – Gayle Forman, If I Stay

Lately I have been wondering what is it that attracts you to someone? What is it that draws you to someone over someone else? So, I pose the likely already discussed question, ‘What is attraction?’

Is attraction conscious or subconscious? (I am a very deep person). These sensations that we label feelings of attraction are we able to control them or do they control us? Are we attractions puppet? Are we even in control? When we are attracted to another being, be that male, female or transgender is it because our body is responding to that person subconsciously? Do we play no part in the first step where we decide someone is attractive or is that already decided for us by our own body? Are we not the masters of our thoughts like we so often like to think? When we first meet someone do we consciously make the choice to fancy them, or is our sneaky subconscious already making moves and we are just slow on the up take? My opinion whether you regard it or not is we never make the decision of who we are sexually attracted to, that decision is determined for us. We just consciously decide whether to act on those decisions. It is unconscious attraction until you realise it, which statistically is within 3 seconds of meeting someone (facts however loose found on google aka the bible) and once realisation dawns on you then you have a choice to consciously act upon this sexual attraction. This act of consciously showing our attraction is the part that is the hardest for people to act on. Especially us reserved English because off the fear of having to eat that shame sandwich of rejection which no one welcomes, as no one likes to chow down on humiliation and rejection all in one go.

Our body is an indicator for our dislikes and our likes. When we meet someone our body tells us whether we like them. When we are too cold our body informs us. When we are too hot we sweat. When we our hungry our belly growls. Our body is constantly telling us what we need to do to keep it chugging along. Attraction isn’t a choice we make it is something our body reacts to like the taste of pralines and ice cream (I love it). Loving that ice cream is a reaction from my body telling me, ‘Eat more it’s good,’ which I consciously then eat the whole tub; no ones making me do that. We are like mere puppets being strung by something we cannot see. Feelings are reactions to a pleasing stimuli, which we can control only after they have been thought. It seems silly to me to say we are able to control our thoughts that pop into our minds. The control we do have is choice, we can choose to suppress them or act upon them.

All this deeper stuff that I am waffling on about intrigues me. Could ending up with someone just be your destiny. Though I beg the question, ‘What is destiny?.’ Apart from Destiny being a popular American girl group I tend to lean-to the side that people made up the word destiny. People label things they don’t understand or cannot fully grasp, instead of just accepting the fact that in reality we are not in control of our lives. Choosing to be with someone, that’s your choice. Choosing what job you accept is in your control. These are decisions you made. Or are they? In reality how do you know you haven’t made an unconscious decision, as you may have acted on instinct when you accepted the job because it felt right, or dated that guy because for some reason you just clicked. Were they subconscious/conscious decisions you made (mind twister). If we went with gut feelings would we be being living unconsciously and those who did not are living more consciously? These are just my interpretations of what I feel, what I see and what I have been mulling over in my mind. I could be sprouting allot of dribbling, but really how much control do we really have over who we are and what we become?

This blog was essentially a tirade of questions, do you feel attacked? Do you feel I have left you with little answers? Do you feel cheated? The answers you can gather for yourself, take a question and start a dinner table discussion. Are we ever really in control?

 

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Breaking up, Breaking down, Breaking Balls.

single

When life throws you an oddball your meant to pick it up and throw it back, but what happens when it throws you an oddball that’s so out of sorts you end up taking a stumble right back to the start. I may be being vague here for you, but my point is: What happens when life changes as you know it? When everything you know becomes something different. How do you deal with life changing as you know it? When the life you wade through shifts plains and you end up somewhere unexpected, on a different plain somewhere further away and there’s no chance of getting back. Your stuck somewhere different, somewhere where the roads are murky and the fog makes it hard for you to see, somewhere where your decisions are more clouded than you hoped or cared for them to be. Your future becomes a puzzle your quite unsure how to put back together, but you must start somewhere, what other choice do you have?

Breaking up from a partner is something I have never done before, walking away is something people classify as brave, but is it brave really? Brave is walking in the line of fire everyday, fighting in wars, working the beaten streets that people don’t dare to walk without their thumb firmly pressed on 999. Can you class brave walking away from a man you love to hope for a better future? Or is that a selfish and self-wanting act that deserves nothing but a side ward glance of ‘you should of tried harder’. But how hard in life is trying too hard? When is trying too much? Should you work on your relationship until the very essence of who you once were is gone or should you walk away? Should you give up self-respect and dignity if you really love someone or if someone loves you should they walk away before they make you do that? Now I am very much pondering the worlds woes here, not saying I broke up from my partner for these reasons; one will keep them secret as it would be unfair to share them with the world. When you break up with someone thoughts come in abundance, of what you could have done, who you could have been to make it work, and what in the future is acceptable when one-day you decide to throw yourself back in the dating game, which won’t be for while, I am considering nunnery options, least they have permanent housing, food and water!

Is it easier in life to be dumped then to be the  dumper? I pose this to you. Being dumped you cannot do anything about it, it’s over there’s no two ways about it; you have no say over it, no lingering questions of whether your making the worst decision of your life as that decision was made by the dumper. The dumper has a minefield to tiptoe through; should I, shouldn’t I? Is this the right decision? Is it not? Is love enough? Am I am irrational fool that’s making extreme decisions that I will only regret when the dumped moves on? The dumper may seem callous, like they have no feelings, like it’s an easy choice when in reality its a decision that over take’s every waking hour and every waking thought, it immobilize’s you until you make a choice which is yay or nah!. When you’ve been dumped you have to come to terms with the fact it didn’t work, you wade through your own self-doubt, insecurities and then slowly learn that maybe it wasn’t meant to be and your find that someone who fits you the way it’s meant to be. You may be left scarred but then who isn’t left scarred, who doesn’t have emotional wounds that are hiding beneath the ever so seemingly normal surface.

Breaking up means growing balls, you need to man up to shape up and ship out. But in life it’s better to love and lost to never have loved at all. The aftermath may be hard, the sadness comes in waves, the self-doubt of whether you made the right decision, the answer only comes with time. Maybe you have made the wrong choice, that’s something I’ll have to live with it once I’ve had the space to access who I am and what I want. That’s the problem with being the dumper, when you decide what’s real, what’s right, it might be too late, that’s a hard pill to swallow, but in life one must make bold decisions or forever live in self-doubt, wondering if really that this is it. Sometimes in life you get lost in the mundane, lost within the shadows of another and sometimes you need to be brave to reclaim your own shadow and become again who you started out as. Losing yourself within your loved one is an easy thing to do, you become so intertwined it’s hard to tell where you start and they end, you forget what is it that you once expected from life. Being my own person is something I demand to be and somewhere along the way I got a little lost, that’s my own doing. In life we all need to know ourselves better to really know what we want to then embrace life as we only live once and that once I  need to be more than what is now.

So right or wrong sometimes you need to break balls, break down to break through.

Tell Me the Story

Tell me the story

From beginning to end

I’m eager to know how my life ends

I want to know

The triumphs and the glory

The downfall of my story

I want to know

What happened after you

I want to know

What I am meant to do

I want to know

How I am meant to survive

If tonight will end in tears

Everything was perfect

I couldn’t see what was wrong

But you told me I was not looking close enough

And there were cracks on the ground

That we were walking on

Then you said those words

That made my world crumble to the floor

I  don’t understand why I was the only one

Who thought we were worth fighting for

I want to know the future

Know what lies ahead

So there are no surprises instead

I want to know the entire story

If love is part of my ever ending story

I want to know

What I am meant to do

To get one more step

Closer to you

I want to know the future

Know what lies ahead

So there are no surprises

You turned my life around

Made everything I had seem so unprofound

You turned your back

You Closed the door

You Left me for pieces on the floor

I want to know

What will fill the space

From here to there

Laughter or despair

So tell me the story

I just want to know

What the future holds

Whatever happened after you let go

I want to know the entire story

If love is part of my ever ending story

I want to know

What I am meant to do

To get one more step

Closer to you

Tell me the story now or never

I just want to know

The secret of a good life together