Love and Other things . . .

“Sometimes you make choices, and sometimes choices make you.”
                                   – Gayle Forman, If I Stay

Lately I have been wondering what is it that attracts you to someone? What is it that draws you to someone over someone else? So, I pose the likely already discussed question, ‘What is attraction?’

Is attraction conscious or subconscious? (I am a very deep person). These sensations that we label feelings of attraction are we able to control them or do they control us? Are we attractions puppet? Are we even in control? When we are attracted to another being, be that male, female or transgender is it because our body is responding to that person subconsciously? Do we play no part in the first step where we decide someone is attractive or is that already decided for us by our own body? Are we not the masters of our thoughts like we so often like to think? When we first meet someone do we consciously make the choice to fancy them, or is our sneaky subconscious already making moves and we are just slow on the up take? My opinion whether you regard it or not is we never make the decision of who we are sexually attracted to, that decision is determined for us. We just consciously decide whether to act on those decisions. It is unconscious attraction until you realise it, which statistically is within 3 seconds of meeting someone (facts however loose found on google aka the bible) and once realisation dawns on you then you have a choice to consciously act upon this sexual attraction. This act of consciously showing our attraction is the part that is the hardest for people to act on. Especially us reserved English because off the fear of having to eat that shame sandwich of rejection which no one welcomes, as no one likes to chow down on humiliation and rejection all in one go.

Our body is an indicator for our dislikes and our likes. When we meet someone our body tells us whether we like them. When we are too cold our body informs us. When we are too hot we sweat. When we our hungry our belly growls. Our body is constantly telling us what we need to do to keep it chugging along. Attraction isn’t a choice we make it is something our body reacts to like the taste of pralines and ice cream (I love it). Loving that ice cream is a reaction from my body telling me, ‘Eat more it’s good,’ which I consciously then eat the whole tub; no ones making me do that. We are like mere puppets being strung by something we cannot see. Feelings are reactions to a pleasing stimuli, which we can control only after they have been thought. It seems silly to me to say we are able to control our thoughts that pop into our minds. The control we do have is choice, we can choose to suppress them or act upon them.

All this deeper stuff that I am waffling on about intrigues me. Could ending up with someone just be your destiny. Though I beg the question, ‘What is destiny?.’ Apart from Destiny being a popular American girl group I tend to lean-to the side that people made up the word destiny. People label things they don’t understand or cannot fully grasp, instead of just accepting the fact that in reality we are not in control of our lives. Choosing to be with someone, that’s your choice. Choosing what job you accept is in your control. These are decisions you made. Or are they? In reality how do you know you haven’t made an unconscious decision, as you may have acted on instinct when you accepted the job because it felt right, or dated that guy because for some reason you just clicked. Were they subconscious/conscious decisions you made (mind twister). If we went with gut feelings would we be being living unconsciously and those who did not are living more consciously? These are just my interpretations of what I feel, what I see and what I have been mulling over in my mind. I could be sprouting allot of dribbling, but really how much control do we really have over who we are and what we become?

This blog was essentially a tirade of questions, do you feel attacked? Do you feel I have left you with little answers? Do you feel cheated? The answers you can gather for yourself, take a question and start a dinner table discussion. Are we ever really in control?

 

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It’s a Loving Feeling

edgar

Love is something the world seems to revolve around, but why? Why is it that we have this inner desire to be desired, loved and betrothed to someone. Love is a feeling, a feeling that consumes and swims through our veins intoxicating us into love-lorn puppies. Love has the power to cripple us and consume our thoughts, it’s like a drug that you never really asked for, something that comes in unexpectedly when maybe you never invited it.

What is love and why do we all get sucked in by it? Does love really even exist or is it just a word we made up to describe a feeling that we cannot explain and cannot see? You cannot measure someone’s love, you cannot even see someone’s love. How can you ever trust someone when they say they love you as really love is made up. Love is made up to explain a feeling, a feeling that no-one can see, or measure. People everyday entwine themselves in relationships for the sake of love but in reality are we meant to be a one man/woman creatures; maybe love is meant to run a course and then you move on, maybe love needs to not have so many restrictions on it.

I have said ‘I love you’ to three people in my life and I can truly say I have only loved 2 out of 3. There’s your first love, the love you give everything to and lose yourself in and come out wondering if you will ever feel that way again about anything, love as hard, as much and as freely. Your first love always hold’s that place in your heart, that place that never really tarnish’s with time, they kind of stay in a suspended bliss. Then there’s love after the first love that is more measured and you are more aware to not lose yourself so easy but is losing yourself just too easy to do in love.

Love has many levels, but how do you know the level of love you feel is enough, is the right amount that equates to finding the ever so coveted ‘One.’  People look ardently for ‘The one’ to whisk them off their feet and to live happily ever after, but as I get older I get further away from believing in ‘The one’ and happy ever after. Love is over rated, or maybe I love in the wrong places. All I can say I got from love is heartache that I’d rather not deal with, they say loving can be the best thing you have ever done, and yes it can be until love isn’t enough. Maybe I am bitter, maybe I am in need of a knight in shining armour, but nowadays the knights are less shiny and make you pay for the drinks. Men have become less romantic, bring me the man who still holds doors open for a woman, a guy who is on a night out not just to put a notch on the bed post. The day of the chivalrous man seem to be over, they are cruder and ruder than ever and the sweeping of the feet is merely but a dated dream. Has the ever-growing independence of woman brung the man to new low levels of thinking it’s okay to slap a girls arse as a gesture of hello on a night out, or shout do you want a f@&k across the room, like you’re going to jump up and down clapping your hands saying yes please (if you do, self-respect needs to be gathered off the floor). Having lived like we all do as we breathe the air we breathe my faith in men lowers daily to new lows because in reality many find it hard to keep it in their trousers. Women can be just as bad I hear men wail in the far corners and I do not doubt this, but the men I can count my fingers that have done the dirty far exceed the one’s of women I can count on my hand.

Love is a multi-faceted concept that has been created by man/woman to name a feeling so many people feel, but to me love is just something that has to prove its self to me before I believe in it again and that may take a while, a good jolly while.

Romance, Is It Fact or Fiction

 

Recently it has become very obvious to me that men and women are from an entirely different planet, different creatures altogether. As the saying goes, women are from Venus and men are from Mars.

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and I think only just this year I have come to terms with the fact, maybe romance is more fact than fiction! queue grieving of lost romantic notion and ideals, time to bury the Dirty Dancing dvds so they can’t make you go all misty eyed, in vain hope that your boyfriend will shimmy over and demand that no one puts you in the corner!

My problem with men, and I am sure it is just not my man, hopefully! It is the inability to comprehend being romantic,  my bf is not quite the hairy caveman type banging his club and itching his crotch, I just think he has some vital piece of romantic DNA missing.

So what is romance? I hear the cry of men. My boyfriend searches his foggy brain for the answer every time I pout and tell him he has not been particularly loving today, or when I watch a particularly slushy, romantic film (starring Jennifer Aniston or Katherine Heigl, Hollywood has a lot to answer for) and demand to be declared love to on the Empire state building or for once for him to choose me over Manchester United!

So lets start with, ‘What is Romance?’

I am sure everyone is different on this question, depending on your level of tolerability for pda’s and someone being in your personal bubble, or the layer of ice around your heart! For me romance isn’t diamond rings and expensive dinners, it is more weekends away full of scenic walks, picnics and hugging on a rug next to an open fire! oops! too many romantic films there ha! but honestly for me romance is making the time for one another, especially in long-term relationships, making time for the other person, without it revolving around what is convenient for you. Maybe a little surprise now and then like a camping trip away, just you two, or a picnic in the park on a sunny day.

For me the most romantic thing is when my boyfriend actually remembers (real back in shock) something I said weeks ago and surprises me with that said thing or date, maybe he remembers my favourite desert and buys it for me when I am having a down day, it is just nice to know they listened and you’re not just white noise between Top Gear and Match of the Day.

Mostly I like it when he holds my hand on the sofa or strokes my hair, I like it when he randomly texts me to tell me he loves me or hugs me for no reason but just because he wants to, I like it when he kisses me on the nose and puts his arm around my shoulder when we are walking. I love kissing, maybe  a little massage but rarely are we women indulged unless there is a ulterior motive for the man. As as the longer your relationship goes on the less romantic people become, so this is a message to all men and boyfriends out there, remember we women are romantic creatures like sunflowers in the sun, remember to pay us some attention now and then, some selfless romantic gesture wouldn’t go amiss, and we’ll repay you, no questions asked.

Maybe one day men will realize romance is not soppy poems and cheesy lines from films, it’s not standing in the rain declaring your undying or overly gigantic gestures with presents and gifts (although nice sometimes pls)  it is just remembering the small things in life are the things that make us women happy, and when you remember our birthday! that is nice too!

Monogamy…Are We All MAD!

Monogamy is something as a society we expect from our partner in life but why? It’s a big old word that looms over every relationship saying your mine and mine only, (insert evil laugh) mwhahahahaha. Is Monogamy just ruining your relationship and instead should we all just be allowed to shamelessly cavort around, lend our body to whom we wish to gain self-gratification. Is being faithful really such a vital part of having a successful relationship or is it an idea that have been drilled into us by society and in reality monogamy is  unnatural? Is being with one partner more unnatural than anything and in reality we all have it the wrong way round. Is monogamy plagued by adultery?

Now as you read my scandalous first paragraph with your eyes you may be there thinking I am some lustful sinner that throws myself about shamelessly but hold those thoughts and I can tell you that I am pretty much  the other end of the scale. I would never cheat on someone and never have, not that I am sitting here casting aspersions on anyone’s character if they have because life isn’t black and white, it’s grey and many a time I have been lost within the grey wondering how the hell I became so jaded.

In life people are constantly caught out cheating, just look at the people in the media like Ashley Cole, Kristen Stuart and many others seem to think the grass is greener and hop over for a rendezvous on the other side only to get caught out and get burnt. Would it just be easier in life if people had open relationships, does being in a one man/ one women relationship stifle people and make them in the end cheat as do relationships eventually always become stale?

In the animal kingdom animals have mates for different uses, one for companionship, one for naughtiness and so on, is this an idea that we should take forward instead of ball and chaining ourselves to one person for the rest of our lives? The rest of our lives is a long time after all. Is it really possible to ask someone to stay faithful to you for the whole of their lives?

In life it seems men are more adulterous than women, now I am not saying us women are all saints as I know this to be far from the truth. Women can be just as bad as men on the cheating front but are just less likely to get caught. It’s seems in this day and age its harder and harder for people to sustain a lasting relationship where people are faithful to each other, we have to ask ourselves, why is this? Is it because in the 21st century we have so many options and we are more selfish and concerned about number 1 and our own satisfactions than ever before? Are we more selfish as we believe society owes us everything and if we don’t get all of our desires we feel short-handed? Is it because we have more freedom than ever and the opportunity to do as we please? Divorce use to be frowned upon and to get divorced was seen as shameful, nowadays it an everyday thing that people barely bat an eyelid at which gives us no feeling of shame to confront so opting out is easier than ever before, there’s no need to make something work when you can find a newer model without the chinks in the armour like the old model. But in reality any relationship will get chinks on the way, no relationship will ever stay shiny and new no matter how hard you try, if you dump your new model at the first sign of trouble you will only go on to the next model and eventually end up in the same position again. For people who want the everlasting euphoric feeling of a new shiny relationship maybe having an open relationship is the way to go, then least your never setting someone up for disappointment.

In life jealously is a human condition that will forever get in the way of anyone ever really having an open relationship. Passion goes hand in hand with jealousy and by dabbling in an open relationship are you dancing with the devil. In the end an open relationship I think causes more trouble and strife than you think it would. Open relationships are like sex buddies, a good idea in hindsight but in reality someone always falls harder for the other,  Is that fair? To go knowingly go into something that you know will only end up in tatters. Anyone who thinks they can have a sex buddy is mildly deluded in my opinion. Women are clingy (most of them anyhow) and men can be possessive (most of them anyhow). As humans we have too many emotions in our little finger to control to really live them dream of having an open relationship. Crimes of passion are forever documented, we as humans are a mass of feelings and emotions that can implode and explode and make us do things we never thought we would do, as I said before are we playing devils advocate when we try to go out side of monogamy.

In my world where I dance from day-to-day to my own kind of beat I love being within a relationship where touch wood neither me or my partner have done the dirty on one another. I am a one women man. I am not saying we’ve had it plain sailing and that everyday is sunshine and butterflies but without him where would I be I ask myself? Back into the pitiless game of dating where no man could match the way he makes me feel. I have in time come to know many people and see them make their way through their relationships making mistake after mistake, having affair after affair, cheating on their partners again and again and I have lost faith in people and the faithful ideal. But I do have a small shred of hope that lies within what I have, I believe there are men out there who will stay faithful you just have to find the guy that takes you for you, loves you for you, and is honest with you whether you like it or not. To let go of what I have I know would be foolish and in the end I don’t trust anyone like I trust my partner. I am slightly jaded as strange as it may sound for someone in a successful relationship. But I believe more and more some people just aren’t cut out for the one women/one man relationship so why bother trying. Why don’t people who cannot be faithful be honest and say “Look I am gonna mess about, I want to swing from branch to branch, hop from bed to bed” instead of lying to the person they are with. By being deceitful your are not only hurting yourself you are bringing someone else down, and that’s one of the cruelest things to do.
They say cheating has nothing to do with love and it’s a human desire, so should we really suppress a desire that is so primitive? In the end we are all animals. A man spreading his seed maybe is more natural than not. In this day and age we have so many options and so much freedom we can pretty much live how we want, unless of course your living in the middle east. But with all the options we have living in the western world we can live as we please so why enter a relationship knowing you are going to cheat when you can easily live a life of the playboy dream and no one would really care, you would most likely get a pat on the back and a wishful sigh of jealousy from your friends. Though to live a type of life where you live by your own rules you do run the risk of ending up alone, but should people be scared of ending up alone? Shouldn’t we be comfortable being alone? No one should be scared of being in their own company, of being alone, if you are you must ask yourself why? To me to be alone and comfortable means your more than ready to give something to a relationship, to not be okay in my eyes means your are not? Insecurity they say is a big deal breaker in why some people cheat, not because there’s no love but because your own insecurities ebb away at the relationship your sustaining. So to me being single isn’t something to scorn, it’s something to rejoice as when your single you can get to know yourself fully to decided what kind of relationship will suit you.

I know myself, I am an all or nothing type of girl. There’s no way of denying it, I jump in almost blind, I walk before I can see and I hope for the best. I will fight to make something work rather than throw in the towel. I will love beyond reason. I am stubborn and I am with everything like a dog with a bone, I won’t let it go, weathers that’s a good or bad thing.
In life as I have said in previous post’s is yours to do as you wish with. But why hurt people on the way when that can be avoided. If you feel the urge to cheat, go on a break, don’t run full steam ahead into a situation you will only come out bruised. Why hurt others when you can avoid it, as the bible says and I am not really a religious person but it’s something I fully agree with:

‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’

In reality having an open relationship is a complex issue and maybe that’s why monogamy is so popular as it filters out many of the troubles that open relationships bring. But one’s thing for sure and that’s I am not sold on the multiple lovers idea. We as humans have too many emotions to control to really live within an open relationship, to have one in my eyes you have to be somewhat detached and cold inside to side step all those pesky feelings that will surface eventually.

Song……..A Woman Scorned

 

I thought love was for the movies

The stars in the big screens

l thought love was romance novels and magazines

I thought love was for other people and that couple next door

I thought Love was in fairy tales

Nothing I had ever seen before

You were handsome and charming

Quite hard to believe

I thought maybe I was just a reprieve

I was hesitant and cautious

And slightly afraid

But I couldn’t stop myself, I wanted to see you more everyday

At first I tried to tell myself, you were just a fling

Just a casual thing

But you had me from the start

You said hello and you caught my heart.

Now you say: Baby it’s not working anymore

I’m confused and a little  stumbled

I never knew you felt this way

You hush me and put your finger to my lips

You state there is nothing to say, life has pulled us in different ways

Hell have no fury like a woman scorned.

You hurt me now so baby

… be warned

You hurt me and I feel it

It’s like a river to my soul

I’m drowning in the current

I need a helping hand but you’ve given up on coming in

I used to be one of those happy people

Smiling on the tube, I’d give up  my seat for anyone

As I was busy thinking of you

In bars and clubs I could say I was taken

A smug smile on my face

I had you to come home to after all this rat race

And you  were always the who told me I was cynical, to have a little faith

You were the one who told me to give love a try

Stop laughing in its face

So now I wonder how I am the one here alone

I’m drinking wine and prank calling you on my mobile phone

No dignity or integrity

All gone in a drunken haze

I’ll wake up tomorrow and I promise myself I am going to start a brand new day

Love Is……

They say love is blind,

love is for the foolish,

love makes the world go round,

but what is love really but an emotion felt differently.

Who can pin point it exactly, mark it for what it is,

how does anyone know what love is.

People say it daily without thought or action,

slips off the tongue so easily it can be mistaken,

said in the split of a second, years of repercussion.

Love is indescribable.