Breaking up, Breaking down, Breaking Balls.


When life throws you an oddball your meant to pick it up and throw it back, but what happens when it throws you an oddball that’s so out of sorts you end up taking a stumble right back to the start. I may be being vague here for you, but my point is: What happens when life changes as you know it? When everything you know becomes something different. How do you deal with life changing as you know it? When the life you wade through shifts plains and you end up somewhere unexpected, on a different plain somewhere further away and there’s no chance of getting back. Your stuck somewhere different, somewhere where the roads are murky and the fog makes it hard for you to see, somewhere where your decisions are more clouded than you hoped or cared for them to be. Your future becomes a puzzle your quite unsure how to put back together, but you must start somewhere, what other choice do you have?

Breaking up from a partner is something I have never done before, walking away is something people classify as brave, but is it brave really? Brave is walking in the line of fire everyday, fighting in wars, working the beaten streets that people don’t dare to walk without their thumb firmly pressed on 999. Can you class brave walking away from a man you love to hope for a better future? Or is that a selfish and self-wanting act that deserves nothing but a side ward glance of ‘you should of tried harder’. But how hard in life is trying too hard? When is trying too much? Should you work on your relationship until the very essence of who you once were is gone or should you walk away? Should you give up self-respect and dignity if you really love someone or if someone loves you should they walk away before they make you do that? Now I am very much pondering the worlds woes here, not saying I broke up from my partner for these reasons; one will keep them secret as it would be unfair to share them with the world. When you break up with someone thoughts come in abundance, of what you could have done, who you could have been to make it work, and what in the future is acceptable when one-day you decide to throw yourself back in the dating game, which won’t be for while, I am considering nunnery options, least they have permanent housing, food and water!

Is it easier in life to be dumped then to be the  dumper? I pose this to you. Being dumped you cannot do anything about it, it’s over there’s no two ways about it; you have no say over it, no lingering questions of whether your making the worst decision of your life as that decision was made by the dumper. The dumper has a minefield to tiptoe through; should I, shouldn’t I? Is this the right decision? Is it not? Is love enough? Am I am irrational fool that’s making extreme decisions that I will only regret when the dumped moves on? The dumper may seem callous, like they have no feelings, like it’s an easy choice when in reality its a decision that over take’s every waking hour and every waking thought, it immobilize’s you until you make a choice which is yay or nah!. When you’ve been dumped you have to come to terms with the fact it didn’t work, you wade through your own self-doubt, insecurities and then slowly learn that maybe it wasn’t meant to be and your find that someone who fits you the way it’s meant to be. You may be left scarred but then who isn’t left scarred, who doesn’t have emotional wounds that are hiding beneath the ever so seemingly normal surface.

Breaking up means growing balls, you need to man up to shape up and ship out. But in life it’s better to love and lost to never have loved at all. The aftermath may be hard, the sadness comes in waves, the self-doubt of whether you made the right decision, the answer only comes with time. Maybe you have made the wrong choice, that’s something I’ll have to live with it once I’ve had the space to access who I am and what I want. That’s the problem with being the dumper, when you decide what’s real, what’s right, it might be too late, that’s a hard pill to swallow, but in life one must make bold decisions or forever live in self-doubt, wondering if really that this is it. Sometimes in life you get lost in the mundane, lost within the shadows of another and sometimes you need to be brave to reclaim your own shadow and become again who you started out as. Losing yourself within your loved one is an easy thing to do, you become so intertwined it’s hard to tell where you start and they end, you forget what is it that you once expected from life. Being my own person is something I demand to be and somewhere along the way I got a little lost, that’s my own doing. In life we all need to know ourselves better to really know what we want to then embrace life as we only live once and that once I  need to be more than what is now.

So right or wrong sometimes you need to break balls, break down to break through.


Romance, Is It Fact or Fiction


Recently it has become very obvious to me that men and women are from an entirely different planet, different creatures altogether. As the saying goes, women are from Venus and men are from Mars.

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and I think only just this year I have come to terms with the fact, maybe romance is more fact than fiction! queue grieving of lost romantic notion and ideals, time to bury the Dirty Dancing dvds so they can’t make you go all misty eyed, in vain hope that your boyfriend will shimmy over and demand that no one puts you in the corner!

My problem with men, and I am sure it is just not my man, hopefully! It is the inability to comprehend being romantic,  my bf is not quite the hairy caveman type banging his club and itching his crotch, I just think he has some vital piece of romantic DNA missing.

So what is romance? I hear the cry of men. My boyfriend searches his foggy brain for the answer every time I pout and tell him he has not been particularly loving today, or when I watch a particularly slushy, romantic film (starring Jennifer Aniston or Katherine Heigl, Hollywood has a lot to answer for) and demand to be declared love to on the Empire state building or for once for him to choose me over Manchester United!

So lets start with, ‘What is Romance?’

I am sure everyone is different on this question, depending on your level of tolerability for pda’s and someone being in your personal bubble, or the layer of ice around your heart! For me romance isn’t diamond rings and expensive dinners, it is more weekends away full of scenic walks, picnics and hugging on a rug next to an open fire! oops! too many romantic films there ha! but honestly for me romance is making the time for one another, especially in long-term relationships, making time for the other person, without it revolving around what is convenient for you. Maybe a little surprise now and then like a camping trip away, just you two, or a picnic in the park on a sunny day.

For me the most romantic thing is when my boyfriend actually remembers (real back in shock) something I said weeks ago and surprises me with that said thing or date, maybe he remembers my favourite desert and buys it for me when I am having a down day, it is just nice to know they listened and you’re not just white noise between Top Gear and Match of the Day.

Mostly I like it when he holds my hand on the sofa or strokes my hair, I like it when he randomly texts me to tell me he loves me or hugs me for no reason but just because he wants to, I like it when he kisses me on the nose and puts his arm around my shoulder when we are walking. I love kissing, maybe  a little massage but rarely are we women indulged unless there is a ulterior motive for the man. As as the longer your relationship goes on the less romantic people become, so this is a message to all men and boyfriends out there, remember we women are romantic creatures like sunflowers in the sun, remember to pay us some attention now and then, some selfless romantic gesture wouldn’t go amiss, and we’ll repay you, no questions asked.

Maybe one day men will realize romance is not soppy poems and cheesy lines from films, it’s not standing in the rain declaring your undying or overly gigantic gestures with presents and gifts (although nice sometimes pls)  it is just remembering the small things in life are the things that make us women happy, and when you remember our birthday! that is nice too!